On Sunday I went for a walk at the beach. I love taking walks at the beach when, I’m trying to clear my mind. A lot happens to a person emotionally . I wanted to be with my thoughts, feel the sea breeze and just relax. I think the first time I was told ” congratulations you are a mom” anxiety and panic attacks hit me. I’m forever worried if I’m raising my children the right way ( Gosh ! What is the right way though?). As I mentioned before that I got married decided to be a stay at home mom. I imagined my days, waking up with a hot cup of coffee, my children jumped out of bed and we start the day. I will be left at home and do whatever I liked, till everybody come back home. Was I wrong, or what? Only now in the last couple of years we have found our path and direction on how to run our household. Firstly we had to be honest to each other and also set up ground rules. If you are mommy of two boys , you will know how it feels to be told at the last minute it’s ” market day tomorrow and, I must bring a cake) . Forgive me father, but that time you just want to kill them. So, my walk was one of those needed alone with my thoughts time. I’m constantly worried about being a good mom, because I was not raised by my mother. So, when circumstances will be tough for me, I always wondered how things were if my mother was around. Sometimes I know,I over compensate with my children, based on my fears. Truth be told the reason why it was easy for me to walk away from my 8 till 5 lifestyle, was because I wanted to be a hands on mom to my children and be a present role model in my house. I wanted my children to grow in a house of naturing and caring, that is my duty to teach them that. The years of being a mommy did take up a chunk of me. Especially when I stalked some of my old colleagues on social media. The progress is visible, and that time I will be sitting on a couch with a half drank coffee. Just finish picking up dirty laundry, and my colleague will be checking in on FaceBook in Dubai ( God dammit, have mercy on my soul). And I would beat myself up for the decision I took. Putting family first is not easy. Sunday all my thoughts came rushing to me, fleshing in front of my eyes. For the first time in many years, I was over come by a warm feeling of just wanting to squeeze my body closer and give myself a warm hug. I was happy, my heart was not sad. For a headless chicken like me, I’m not doing to bad. I’m finding some activities outside the family, so eventually I will be that perfect mom.